What is a defining moment? I’ve heard the term a number of times. I’ve probably heard it on some sports show, or documentary. It just sounds cool. “This is a defining moment…” It’s like the world is holding it’s breath waiting to see which way the tree will be felled… Which exhausted team can dig in and overcome, which decision a circumstantially plagued man will choose… I don’t think defining moments come at the initial onslaught of a situation. The come after the first shock, like a “Code Blue” in the ER. The doctor gets up on the cold lifeless persons chest, raises a fist high and delivers a hammer strike to the heart… but that is not the defining moment. The defining moment is right after the hammer blow… when the heart decides to beat or remain still. The defining moment comes after a full understanding of the situation is on your chest and striking you… WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? DO YOU WANT IT OR NOT. I think this morning I had a defining moment. My life wasn’t on the line so don’t panic. I just want to share this with you.
BACKGROUND:
My wife and I have finally started making serious sacrifices to try and get out of financial debt. I have to say, the past two months have been amazing. I have really seen God sustain and help us do what we thought we couldn’t do. But this past week I ran aground. Something wasn’t settling with me. Even though I had begun to specifically thank God for His strength and ask for continued provision, I felt discouraged. It was in this state of unrest that I went to bed.
Sometime around 1:00 am my wife turned over. This is quite a process because she is 7 months pregnant. I groggily thought to my self, “Oh good, I actually fell asleep. Man I am so tired.” But, as I tried to settle back into oblivion something in me drug me to the conscious world. And there I was for about three hours, the latest insomniac member of the night. Finally at 4:00 am I got up deciding to spend time with God’s thoughts instead of my own. After showering, and getting ready for the day, I decided to review my journal instead. I was actually encouraged by the entries and decided to pour out my heart regarding the specific feelings of despair and unrest. “I felt like a hero shouting, ‘Forward, troops! Leave no one behind!’ Now I feel like something else. Now my world is ashen.”
At 6:00 am I went to church for a “Men’s Fraternity” meeting. After an encouraging talk by my pastor, we began answering the discussion questions. One question was. “What goal do you have for your death that effects how you are living now?” After a pause, I answered: “I don’t want to be a burden to my children when I am older.” The conversation that ensued was astonishing to put it in the mildest of terms. “What? Why would you say that? They should want to take care of you. You will have taken care of them for at least 17 years!” and “Taking care of children and taking care of your parents is one of the things that turn people into mature adults!” and “You should be ashamed of yourself!” All this came from one person.
OK, I did not expect to be scolded for my answer and I felt completely sucker punched. So I couldn’t come up with an effective question to try and move the conversation back to a time of sharing ideas, at some point I just went mute. We moved on to another question, but I couldn’t stand to be there any more. I would rather be at the dentist… which I actually had an appointment for… so I started to leave early. Time with the DENTIST seemed like more fun than this!
***Scrap, scrap, scrap.*** “O.K. now I am going to poke at your sensitive gums with a sharp metal stick. Open wide, and don’t worry about your TMJ!” “Oh, thank you Mr. Dentist. This is SO much fun considering where I was just a few minutes ago!!”
So I got up to leave, EAGER for a tooth scraping, but after a dozen steps I turned back around, grabbed a chair, and proceeded to criticize (scold?) the person for jumping to conclusions, not knowing whom he was taking to, and acting like he knew what my life was about. Why should I be ashamed of myself?!! Look, I am not a hot head. In fact I am “compliant”. I usually have a “Well, if you say so…” response. I haven’t bawled someone out since JUNIOR HIGH and I’m 33 years old!! I have endured worse for longer!
But that was the shock. I was in the ER and I was in cardiac arrest. I came face to face with the fact that what I desire financially for my family will not get me any “Attaboy’s”. To be sure I was just CHASTISED!! It isn’t coming easy! So now what? DO I WANT IT OR NOT??
By the time I got home I was so wound up I was in tears. “How was Men’s Frat?” My wife asked groggily from the covers. Now was the defining moment: After 15 minutes of describing my morning, I said with tears and gritted teeth, I stated my oath: “I am not going to be a burden to our children when I can’t take care of myself anymore! I don’t care what anyone says. That’s the right thing to do. I am not going to put my daughters in a position where they have to chose between there families and me, if there is any way I can help it.”
That was my defining moment. It was that moment just before giving up, when I was exhausted and confused and unsure of my course that I decided to face the demoralizing attack… and dig in. Working 11 hour days and watching your 1st born daughter grow through in 2 or 3 hour moments is horrible. BUT it is now or never. Either we draw the line in the sand or we will live in bondage to debit during the best part of our lives… if not for the rest of our lives.
Net even near the end.
 Well, here’s a new post for my beloved blog space…..