“Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.” Eccl 2:11
I call it “going a-ground”. It is the state of mind/life where nothing exists except the project, the task, the work. Extended family communications end, e-mail is something that is read, not created, not even to respond. I essentially disappear. I go off radar. My brother (fondly) said, “I know you’re swamped because you’ve disappeared into a freakin’ hole again…. give me a call when you get out… let me know what going on.”
Well, I am out now probably for just a week, but I am out. I’ve returned to the land of the living. Now I am in a sort of mild depression, and in this moment, I realize why I’m bummed.
“What do you think is making you feel bummed?”–Thanks for asking, I don’t just want to, you know, just talk about ME… but since you asked…
I have been working hard on a project that involves renovation the college of architecture building on the OU campus. The existing building is an ugly building, the worst designed, the worst looking and seemingly the worst kept on campus. I have been busting tail and sacrificing time with my family (and my church) for an entire summer (and really disappeared for about a solid month) working on the construction documents for the new College of Architecture. But now that the project has come to a resting point, I don’t have that “look at what I’ve accomplished!” feeling. I raise my head out of my “hole” to take a look around and see critical things stagnating. I see relationships, personal goals, the lawn, my wife, my little girls, our house, ministry (on and on it goes…) existing in stasis. Those are the things that are important to me. And they are becoming increasingly important as the moments go by. I enjoy being a structural engineer, but it isn’t life. It isn’t alive.
God, please save me from this meaningless existence with steel and concrete and clay!